In other words, you have a phobia of perfection.

Your fear of making videos, appearing in your videos, or speaking on video has nothing to do with you not having the talent to speak on camera. It’s not because you’re an introvert. It’s not because you were not made for speaking on camera or publicly. It’s not because you are not naturally good at speaking on camera or publicly. Speaking in front of the camera is the single most thing that requires no special talent aside from that which is required in real life to speak in front of other people in real time and deliver a speech or something. You’re not afraid of the object (the camera) itself, or seeing yourself on the screen while you speak. You take pictures of yourself all the time. You’re afraid of saying what you think in front of a large number of people. And that is understandable. However, stuttering on camera or while speaking publicly is for other reasons that have nothing to do with any of that which is mentioned above. It’s because you are afraid of making mistakes. So you’d rather not speak at all in the first place. You’re afraid of judgment and criticism of you by other people. But that’s not the whole story. It is your phobia of perfectionism that is holding you back the most. You are afraid of not trying to make mistakes, that is, you don’t want to do something without making any mistakes while doing it. The horror. Nobody told you to judge yourself harshly for every single mistake you ever made. Nobody. Yet, you think that the idea of attempting to do anything with the intention of getting it right from the start, from the first attempt, without any mistakes whatsoever, seems like an abomination to you. I’m trying to decouple the intention from the actual results here. You might end up making a ton of mistakes in the end, but you intended to not make any of them from the start. You intended to make it all free from any mistakes at all from the first time you did this thing. In other words, you intended to not miss again this time. Even if you still missed this time as well, there’s no contradiction here. You still went with the intention of getting it right from the start, and from the first attempt. Since you have a phobia of such idea, you end up sabotaging yourself along the way every single time, just to prove to the world that perfection doesn’t exist and thus you don’t deserve to be punished from now on for messing up. You are afraid of not making mistakes more than you’re afraid of making mistakes. If that is not a form of self-loathing and self-sabotage, I don’t know what is. I cannot imagine someone creating something great with the intention of making something horrible in terms of quality. They always feel guilty afterwards because they know they could’ve made it better. No one achieves greatness by aiming for mediocrity or low quality. Nothing is ever enough, because when they lie down afterwards, ideas start to pour in showing them how could what they created have been far better. Ideas that scream in their heads: well, next time, try not to suck! But perfectionism is bad, and perfection doesn’t exist, right? So you keep sinking endlessly in terms of the quality of what you create every single time, while celebrating the lack of conscience you’ve successfully developed through happily embracing whatever indoctrination they threw at you to tell you how amazing and super duper special you are and always have been without even trying. You’re the best, even if you’re the worst. No wonder why you feel everything is meaningless and pointless. The emptiness inside of you just keeps growing all the time. And they conditioned you to call it happiness from within. There’s no reason for you to improve or get better at anything, because you’re super awesome from the start. Also college is bad, and who needs education. Intelligence is now under siege. Everybody is just epic the way they already are, they don’t fix or improve themselves, they just discover and accept themselves. You don’t change yourself, you just dump your partner, and find another one. It’s the world’s fault, always, even when it’s not. And it’s never your fault, no matter what you do. The world needs to adapt to you, not the other way around.

You have no problem with stuttering, stumbling, and making a ton of mistakes while speaking on camera, because you know you’ll edit everything out later on before posting the video. Why would you ever learn how to speak nonstop like you’re live on stage speaking publicly with no chance of editing anything out in real time, in real life. Why would you learn to speak without pausing too long to think about what to say next? Where’s your self-acceptance now when you need it? Why are you questioning every thought you get before saying it publicly? Why would you learn to think while you speak at the same time, and not pause too much, and still manage to say full sentences devoid of any unforgivable atrocities or mistakes?