You want to be in full control, without being lifeless.

You can feel dragged all the time having no choice but to follow whatever urge you’ve got that builds up inside of you as you go through your day-to-day life, every step of the way.

You have a plan that is being formed in your head as we speak, concerning how you’d like to approach fulfilling every single urge that popped up in your head. But for some reason, you cannot seem to get the inner child to follow through with it, not because you’re too lazy, tired, or you don’t value your time and have no problem wasting hours of it in vain, but because you insist upon chasing each impulse you get in a way that makes it impossible to get things done, let alone be able to move between different choices. You keep chasing impulses, even if this decreases your chances of ever fulfilling any of them. While dismissing that problem by thinking that this is totally normal because it’s all about the journey might sound sexy and all, you still know that you cannot move. Whatever you suggest gets blocked and substituted with another suggestion that does not necessarily address the issue at hand or fulfill the impulses that appeared recently better than their older alternative. You just keep getting sucked in different or opposite directions, each presents itself as the better solution, competing with each other like political candidates from the same party trying to win the primary elections. Some options might definitely be better than others, but the inner conflict is taking place irrespective of how competent each candidate is. You just keep going back and forth between different options or opposing choices as if the point is to keep hesitating, not enjoying fulfilling each and every impulse that shows up. And you hear some conservative in the back saying well fulfilling impulses is evil in and of itself, and the purpose of life is to suppress whatever urges or impulses you get on the regular until you no longer get any impulses. All this is a distraction.

What I’m proposing here is to pick one useless impulse or urge that you totally don’t care about fulfilling, and totally suppress yourself from doing it or doing what fulfills it. This exercise is aimed at reminding the rest of your mind that you have the ability to move yourself away from doing what you want without feeling a thing, like you’re a psychopath or something, in order for you to eliminate the urge to chase urges because they exist, in order to eliminate them, or else you’d be stuck forever with a repressed urge that nothing seems to be able to make it go away, and in order to not have no choice but to follow or fulfill urges or impulses that came to existence by mistake, or those which you totally don’t want at all in the first place, or don’t want to fulfill them in a certain order.

You want to fulfill each and every impulse and urge that you get. You don’t want to lose your free will in order to do so.