Why, despite going no contact, you keep replaying those fights in your head and trying to say or do something better this time that you think you should’ve said or done back then.

No contact. The best approach, the approach of choice, that you have to implement when dealing with abusive people. No doubt about that. Any excuse you give for why you don’t implement no contact with abusive people is just part of the problem. It stems from self-loathing, and self-sabotage. You cannot be sane and in your right mind and think you shouldn’t or you don’t need to implement maximum no contact when dealing with a narcissist of any kind, an antisocial, a sociopath, or a psychopath. No contact is the only way to go for all of the above cases, without exception, and there’s no excuse for not implementing it, no matter what.

If you’re on your way to making it happen, then that’s understandable, but if you’re not even trying, then you’re part of the problem, because all you’re doing now is enable the narcissist, and give excuses for why you think someone torturing you for the rest of your life for pleasure is okay from a certain point of view.

Go no contact, and never look back.

The problem lies however in the fact that you don’t know what to do if you found yourself in a situation where you’re stuck in conversation for example with a narcissist or an abusive person. What are you going to do now? How do you wish to proceed from there? What will your next action be? You still have no idea. You still are going to argue, yell, defend yourself, or explain why they’re wrong. You know you shouldn’t be there, but you found yourself there anyway, through no fault of your own. What are you going to do then? You have no idea. And that’s why you keep ruminating and repeating in your head every previous fight, argument, or conversation you’ve had with the narcissist, trying to win this time. That is not you debating whether or not you should never talk to that person again. That is you trying to not get traumatized next time that happens despite going no contact. And you do so because you told yourself before I’ll not talk to that person ever again, but here you are, stuck again in an endless conversation, argument, fight, or battle with them where you’re unable to leave before getting maximum trauma first. You weren’t able to leave before getting hurt. Since you have no solution to this problem, your trauma won’t heal or go away, and will keep bombarding you with flashbacks of each of those fights, until you do. Until you find a solution to this problem. Until you know what to do once you’re already stuck with the narcissist through no fault of your own, even though or even if you went no contact with them for good since a very long time ago.

Implementing full and maximum no contact is a must, non-negotiable, and is not up for debate. It is not a matter of opinion. You have been warned. It is crucial, and you shouldn’t resort to anything else in its replacement for any reason whatsoever.

It still doesn’t indicate what to do if you find yourself in a toxic situation where you’re already stuck with an abuser. No contact means they can’t reach you at all, no matter how hard they try. It does not mean sitting there while being abused doing nothing at all, because you’re supposed to say nothing, because anything that you’d do can and will be used against you by the narcissist, and will only serve as fuel for the narcissist. Think about it. No contact means saying nothing, and doing nothing. If however, you decided to go no contact while being under attack by the abuser, you are subjecting yourself to the entirety of the harm that they can inflict upon you. If you said nothing, you are not protecting yourself from the abuse. If you did nothing, you’re not protecting yourself from the abuse. I know you should’ve went no contact when you had the chance, but what are you going to do now? No contact during the fight is not going to help you. For a simple reason, if you are physically present around the narcissist where they can abuse you in any way whatsoever, this means that at this moment, you’re not engaged in or implementing no contact with that narcissist or abuser. This means that at this moment, during the fight or argument, you are not in no contact with the narcissist or the abuser. Even if you went no contact before this moment with the narcissist or the abuser, as long as you are in a situation where the narcissist or the abuser can talk to you, hurt you, or abuse you in any way, shape, or form whatsoever, you are not in a no contact position with the narcissist or abuser. You are not in a situation where you are maintaining your no contact with the narcissist or the abuser. Which means they are mutually exclusive. Going no contact and saving yourself from the abuse as it is happening or when the argument or abuse is still taking place are impossible to coexist simultaneously. You either are successfully in no contact with the narcissist or abuser or you’re not. If you’re not, then the way out of this cannot be no contact. And that’s why you failed every time. That’s why you’re still trapped. Because the transition from being under abuse to going no contact cannot be through going no contact itself, it has to be through something else that is external to and cannot be part of going no contact itself.

You have to under no circumstances be physically present around the narcissist or abuser, no matter what.

The solution is to not make the narcissist or abuser stop. The solution is to instantly begin doing something that makes you unreachable by the narcissist or abuser. The solution is to get from where you are to where the narcissist or abuser cannot reach you, communicate with you, talk to you, contact you, or abuse you, no matter what they do or how hard they try. Anything that gets you to that latter place or position is supposed to be your number one priority at the moment. Look for the exit, and figure out how you can get there instantly and immediately, as fast as you can, before any further abuse takes place. And that doesn’t mean you wait until they do something that hurts you. Anything that the narcissist or abuser says or does is abuse and part of the abuse. Get away. Get out, as fast as you can. Don’t engage, but that is not because you’re sitting there waiting for them to lose interest in you because you’re not responding. That will only make things worse, especially if they’re also violent. You don’t engage, because all you can think about right now is how to escape the abusive situation, instantly and immediately, as fast as you can, even if they didn’t say or do anything wrong yet.

The solution could be as simple as to program yourself to get up, turn around, and run for the exit, and get as far as possible away from the narcissist or abuser the moment you detect their existence around you. The moment you see or hear the narcissist or abuser is there, wherever you are. Run for the exit. Run for your life. And you do that every single time, until it becomes a habit.