If you don’t like what you see, change it, instead of trying to accept it. Even if it was impossible for you to change it without accepting it first.

You think that the reason your self-loathing increases right after posting because you are now exposed to the whole world. You can get criticized easily after you’ve provided the whole world with something that came out of you that could be criticized or judged. Even if what you’ve put out there is perfect. Even if nothing could be criticized about it, because it’s flawless. Even if it’s the best there is. Even though there’s nothing wrong with what you’ve said or done in your post, you could receive some judgment, ridicule, or criticism for it. Again, even if it’s perfect, and couldn’t have been better. Even if no one could’ve done it better. Still, you can be on the receiving end of endless criticism and judgment because of what you’ve done. Because you posted today. Because you’ve published a piece of content. You wouldn’t be exposed to any of this if you didn’t put anything out there today. And on that, we agree.

You think that this is the only thing that is responsible for the huge amounts of self-loathing that you might experience right afterwards on the regular. Every time you post, you feel like crap. And you think the reason behind this is just stuff like imposter syndrome, insecurity, or fear of judgment or criticism only. But this is not the whole picture.

You see, when you try to be creative and express yourself, especially through writing, you tend to dive deeply within your mind, so deep you feel like you’re going into places you never knew existed within you in the first place. It’s not just that you’re on a journey where you explore your mind. It’s not that you are trying to see what resides within the deep tunnels, convolutions, and recesses of your mind, including the subconscious and unconscious. This could happen when you meditate, but it is different here. When you meditate, you explore them as is. You see them for who exactly they are, without having any expectations. You then can modify and adjust things as you see fit, but when it comes to writing, or to a lesser extent any other form of creative expression, you have to work with what you currently already have, not just take a look at it, and occasionally try to fix a thing or two if possible along the way. When you say what’s on your mind or what you think, if you suck, what you will say will suck to the extent of how much you really suck on the inside. It’s like hard evidence for how low your intelligence is or how bad you really are. Before that, people could only assume you’re not good enough based upon stuff that still does not allow them to come to that conclusion with absolute certainty, but now after you’ve spoken too much, or after you’ve written something substantial and huge, they will think they have enough evidence to confirm their assumptions about you to an extent that makes them comfortable with feeling certain about those assumptions. That is, they used to think you suck, now they know. But still that doesn’t explain the magnitude and severity of self-loathing you tend to feel afterwards anyway, even when you do an amazing job.

The biggest reason behind this could be the fact that you don’t like what you see. You’ve accessed your mind on a deep level and all you can see is what really lies there, not what you thought lied there. It’s like: welcome to the real world. A barren wasteland. Absolute darkness, emptiness, ugliness, and garbage everywhere. Absolute incompetence, absolute weakness, absolute failure. Total lack of life. No self, no abilities, no nothing. There’s nothing special about you. Welcome to the real world. Everything you thought you were like does not exist over there. The difference between you and a narcissist or a psychopath is that they pretend that the truth about them is the exact opposite of all this, in order to manipulate you and get what they want. You don’t manipulate anybody, and you don’t want to manipulate anybody. I’m afraid the problem is that you’re only manipulating yourself. This is what can be called a failed narcissist. You failed to become a narcissist despite the abuse, and that’s actually a good thing.

You may call that complex trauma disorder or whatever, but that does not make you a narcissist or a psychopath.

Through no fault of your own, you were obsessed with survival only. You were just getting by one day at a time. You had no interests. You had no concern. You didn’t care about anything. You just wanted to get through the day. You just wanted the day to be over with. And you did that every single day. Until you’ve arrived here, where there’s nothing there to look at in the first place. And you do a deep dive into your mind and your self every time you write or express yourself through any form of creative expression. And you dive deeply every single time you do. You get exposed to the horrible smell down there, and you can’t breathe. You want out of this tomb.

But you are not here to heal when creating something that is destined to be published. You’re not here to fix anything. You are here to work with what you’ve got or what you’re stuck with to produce something amazing, and for some reason you think all this negative energy will not rub off on you along the way while you’re trying to extract gold from deep down. From the bottom of the ocean.

You dive deeper and deeper the more abilities you have. The better you become at this. Which explains why you feel worse and worse every subsequent time you put out something. It’s not because now you’re more popular and so are exposed to a greater amount of people and with that comes greater criticism. It’s that you hate what you really are like. You can’t stand what you see down there. And you tend to see the entirety of the ugliness as is every time you’re trying to ask yourself what are your thoughts about this subject or the other one. You cannot say what you truly think without accessing your whole self or mind in order to know what you really think about what you’re talking about. In order to make sure that no part of you disagrees with what you’ve just said you have to activate your whole mind and allow every single part of you to clearly state whether or not they agree with what you just said or not. And if not, then why? What do they think is the truth then? Why does this part disagree with what I’ve just said? And what does this part of you think about the topic being discussed? And what does this part of me in particular has to say about the topic that is being discussed at the moment? And you do that with every single part of you, every time you produce a creative piece of content where you explain in depth your views, opinions, or your thoughts in depth about anything you talk about, no matter what. Just to make sure, is that what you really think about this subject or topic in discussion? Or does your true opinion dramatically differ from what you think is your one true opinion, or true beliefs or thoughts about the subject or topic that you’re discussing or talking about at the moment.

And you get to see the full picture of what you really look like, as opposed to what you think you look like, whenever you dive deeper into your mind and your self to produce or create another magnificent piece of content. And when you are exposed to the reality of who and what you really are, you feel like you want to vomit. It’s so sick, disgusting, and nauseating. And you are told everywhere that you are supposed to accept, embrace, and love that as it is no matter what, because this is your true self, and you’re supposed to be authentic and love and accept yourself as you are, no matter what. When you come across this reality about you, your self-loathing hits maximum levels, because it becomes impossible for you to love, accept, embrace, settle for, work with, tolerate, live with, or even like yourself when you’re like that. When this is the truth about you. And you get a glimpse of what the truth about you looks like, every time you write.

Stop feeling guilty for spending so much time and energy on what makes you feel alive. Stop feeling guilty for spending a huge amount of time and energy every single day to create something.

Your focus on making money is ruining everything. I’m not saying you’re corrupt. I’m just saying that you only care about getting clients and lead generation.

You came here to chase what you love. To follow your passion. To live up to your full potential. To live in alignment with your core values. To do what you’re truly meant to be doing with your life. To do what you really want.

You came here chasing fulfillment. You came here chasing true success. You came here to make the most out of your talent. You came here to be happy. You came here to live your life to the fullest. But in the process, somewhere along the way, you became consumed by focusing on survival over everything else, thinking that by eliminating the causes of stress out of your life, you will have all the time and clarity in the world to focus on what you truly desire. What makes you feel alive. You became obsessed with the means to an end, and you forgot all about the end itself. You thought that this is okay to do all the time, because it was not a wrong thing in and of itself to do. After all, paving the way to focus on doing what you’re passionate about full-time without worrying about money is essential, and is not a bad thing to do, right? Absolutely. But you did nothing but just that. You did nothing but pave the way. You did nothing beyond just that. You became all about making money and maintaining the success of your business, with disregard to following your passion.

And that’s why you can’t feel pleasure, despite doing everything right. That is why you can no longer feel good, even though you’re doing what you love. And you think that this is burnout, when it has nothing to do with burnout. No longer feeling good despite doing what you’re passionate about is part of burnout, right? But in your case, it happened not because you’ve been working too much doing what you’re passionate about, but instead, it’s because you haven’t done anything that falls under the category of what you’re truly passionate about for a long, long time. You’re not doing what you’re passionate about enough, to say the least. But you are still entitled to the same amount or type of reward that you can only get from doing what you’re truly passionate about. And you are wondering why you aren’t getting any of that type of reward at all, despite doing everything right. You came here to be creative. But you’re all about business now. Just business, nothing personal.

But you are totally oblivious to the fact that you can’t be happy if you are totally disconnected from yourself or from the universe, or at least from the rest of the world. You can consume the content of other people all you want, but you will still feel isolated, if you never show up, if you never put anything out there. Taking care of survival won’t alleviate the feelings of isolation and emptiness you have. Only staying connected to the universe can. And in order to connect to the universe, you have to interact with it. In order to connect to the universe, you have to post.