Everything your abusers say or believe is wrong with you is actually what’s right with you.
When you are around people who insist upon instilling in you a belief that there’s something intrinsically and seriously wrong with you compared to the rest of us, you might end up picking something random and ending up believing that it is what is wrong with you. Even if you don’t agree with them. Even if you don’t believe there is something wrong with you. And even if you have no reason to believe that this random thing in particular is one of your flaws or shortcomings. But you find that you must believe there’s something wrong with you anyway, and keep looking for anything random to consider from now on that it is what’s wrong with you, because of the indoctrination. And so you live your whole life thinking that you have to suck at something, whatever that thing is, even if there’s nothing wrong with you. Even if there’s nothing that you cannot do.
They don’t always tell you what exactly they think is wrong with you. They might just treat you as if you’re crazy, stupid, inferior, less than, or not good enough. They treat you as if there’s something wrong with you, and as if what’s wrong with you is so big, serious, and obvious. And as if this thing will ruin everything. Even if they really don’t think or believe there’s anything wrong with you. They just do it, because it is something that can harm you eventually, especially if added to other abuse tactics that they exercise upon you.
The problem is, the absence of certainty about what exactly is wrong with you, does not abolish or negate the fact that you will still think that you have shortcomings, flaws, and things that are seriously wrong with you. It’s like a placeholder. It is like fill in the blank. But your mind will not leave this empty. Your mind will fill this empty space with what exactly could be what’s wrong with you, arbitrarily, and randomly. No shortage of stuff that could be thought of as the reason behind your inadequacy in your past history laden with failed attempts at getting everything right. You will find a thing or two that can serve the purpose of explaining why you suck, and believe that these things are what must be wrong with you, even if your abusers never told you or even suggested that any of these things must be what exactly is wrong with you or why you’re unacceptably flawed beyond redemption. Even if they never did anything to remotely contribute to you picking that thing in particular to believe that it is to blame for why you are bad, why you are a horrible person, why you will forever be doomed to fail in life, or why you will never amount to anything. You picked it, because the void of why you suck globally has to be filled with something, and there’s no shortage of stuff that can fill that void. Of course that is not to blame you for being insecure. Of course that is not an attempt to absolve them of their crimes against you. After all, they are the ones who created that void in you in the first place. It is all part of the abuse, and it’s all intentional.
And you still don’t want to go no contact.